By 2015-2016, I felt exhausted from my role as a curator overseeing the nightlife and club scene in Vilnius. I struggled to see the purpose and lasting value of my work. At the same time, an alternative music festival, Satta Outside, which was very important to me, went bankrupt. The festival raised a new generation of music lovers and served as a catalyst for a new cultural attitude. I kind of idealized the promising cultural and social space that appeared as if in a vacuum. In 2013, the festival collapsed due to financial difficulties, followed by the loss of a close friend and colleague, shattering everything I believed in. It was then that I knew I needed a change.

I sought inspiration and decided to use my savings to move to Berlin. I lived there for almost three years. I craved new experiences, I wanted to escape the monotony and realities of Lithuanian culture, such as small budgets, lack of ambition, and work principles that were unacceptable to me.

While in Berlin, I continued working with music. In the first year, I really recovered. All those new places, new friends, good experiences. I spent a lot of time among people. I felt warmly welcomed.

However, after the first year my illusions dissolved as making new connections became more challenging, and I began feeling the pressure of big city life. Eventually, everything appeared bleak and my prospects for progress seemed dim.

And so began the expatriate’s woes. I moved around a lot, as my apartment was flooded due to the fire upstairs. Finding a long-term rent in Berlin is really tough, and being in a big city without a stable home is disheartening. The second winter in Berlin was especially difficult as everything that I had tried to escape from in Lithuania came back to haunt me. I didn’t have any gigs, I hardly went out, and a cherished friendship began to fall apart due to work-related tensions. Emotionally, it was very challenging. I turned to alcohol again after almost four years of sobriety. I had no place where I could feel safe.

I was constantly plagued by feelings of hopelessness, I could not see any future for myself. I felt a deep emptiness inside, and my personal relationships began to deteriorate. I withdrew into myself and stopped seeking new experiences, closing myself off from the world around me. Even though I am naturally curious, I stopped looking for new things and romantic connections. Loneliness in a big city feels much heavier. I spent most of my time in the studio, focusing on creativity, writing a new album. When I listen to it now, I can feel the anger in my music. I was mostly angry with myself, I painfully felt the loss of the creative and career ideals that once defined me.

Then I realized how self-absorbed I was. I started seeing the real issues inside. It dawned on me that what was happening at home, in Lithuania, was really important to me. I was forced to make a choice about the way I wanted to live my life. Upon my return to Lithuania, I had a clear direction and I felt happier. Over time, the situation improved, and six months later we established a publishing company that specialized in Lithuanian music. That was the ultimate realization of all my contemplation.