I’ve always been burdened by an expectation to succeed, from my family and from myself. I grew up with lots of opportunities, but I grew up in an environment that didn’t celebrate my creativity which was often met with resistance. You can’t do that or that will be difficult or some other blocker. It made me fiercely self motivated and I learnt that I had to trust my own instinct and not let others hold me back.  

A few years ago I was asked to manage an arts collective. The job sounded interesting and it was something I knew I would be good at. I moved from Oslo where I was living, to a small town to take on the job. They needed to make a lot of changes in the way they did things and they knew it. I’d given them a list of suggested changes to be made and they applauded it. Then when I’d settled in and started implementing these changes, the response was totally different. They were stalling, unwilling to go there when it came down to it. I was working really hard and all I met was resistance. I felt opposed at every turn and I wasn’t getting anywhere. It even got to the point where I received a phone call that I felt was a direct threat to me. It was an intolerable situation and in the end I hit the wall. 

I got sick and entered a catatonic state where I had no energy to do anything. 

I lost all my hair in that period. I used to have long red hair and losing it has served as a physical reminder of what I’ve gone through. I had to redefine myself and felt insecure like never before. As I recovered, I learnt to care less and be more tough-skinned. 

Today I still tend to avoid situations that can lead to rejection. I’m protective of my energy and initiatives. When I start working with a project I need to run with it. People who put up blocks and boundaries are not healthy for me and I avoid them as they take my energy away. I now don’t put myself in situations that require a straight yes or a no when things are important to me. I don’t want to risk it.