I struggled to fit into elementary school. Some of these memories have become vague, but I do remember often being called weird. I remember being excluded by some classmates when I asked if I could play with them. I remember feeling alone. Eventually, it affected me so much that I had to change schools.  I remember the excitement of starting over in a place where no one knew me. I was lucky because the new school was exactly what I needed and I made friends immediately. However, this also became the beginning of my active habit of trying to fit in. This notion of feeling rejected by others created another rejection within me, where I was constantly doubting myself and as a consequence, I struggled academically. Being liked by others was of the greatest importance and I did not put much value into my education. I had difficulties focusing and learning. I assumed this was just who I was, someone who did not get it. I was focusing so much on socialising, while I had also decided in my mind that I was not capable of self-improvement. I rejected those who tried to tell me I could do better. Most importantly, I continued to reject myself. I was afraid of even trying because I was sure I would fail. This tendency followed me for years and honestly still does from time to time – my self-rejection. 

When it comes to the social aspect, I, like many others, sometimes put on a social mask to be likeable. It is exhausting: often, I don’t notice until the following day, when my mind starts contemplating everything I said the day before. However, in my academic journey, it was art that made me question this habit of self-rejection. When I started taking art courses in high school, I realised that there are things that I am good at. It gave me confidence and enjoyment in creating and critically reflecting about the world and my life. Only when I started to study arts and photography did I start to feel smart, I felt like I belonged. I was slowly learning that I was able to do whatever I put my mind to. Art school made me see this more clearly. It gave me confidence and I started believing in myself. It did not matter if a career in art was a difficult path because I understood that this is what I love doing. This confidence grew beyond just my artistic practice and into my general way of learning, the way I looked at myself, and the world. As I grow and walk through this life I try my best to be my true self, and unlearn this tendency of self rejection.